Man I love music. Listen to Dragon Days by Alicia Keys when you can.
I’ve never truly been me on the outside. Everywhere I go, something or someone puts a ceiling or a cap or walls around me. I feel so incredibly trapped. It’s hard to fully explain.
I’m not a part of anything here – not tied to anything here. I don’t belong to anything here. I don’t connect to anything here. Nothing here is exactly like me or like me enough to consistently be with me. Or mine. It’s a strange feeling.
Yesterday my neighbor’s 3 year old had a huge break down, tears and all because she wouldn’t let him stay outside and play with me. She was taking him to work with her and I offered to keep him but she refused, and I mean he cried. Threw an entire tantrum outside. Cried inside for like 30 minutes. And my heart broke. I’m not Jesus but I understand that scripture that says ‘Suffer little children unto me and forbid them not.” That baby’s spirit needed some peace about something. I don’t what, but I could feel the stress and tenseness of an adult in his little bitty body. Also, I saw the yearning he had to be in my presence and it’s exactly what I crave. I crave that feeling of significance that comes with someone’s or something’s desire for me. It’s special.
In some weird way, that little boy believed I was where he needed to be in order to get what he needed, but he was forbidden to come receive it. All I do is sing and talk with the children. We race outside and they ride their bicycles. I lend my time to them because I understand that single moms need help. I just want to help. Love helps.
Why am I so in tune? So Weird? Thoughtful? Like I’m a whole hippie in 2017 – where are the rest of them? I’m old minded, but young hearted. Like an old child. I feel strange. I feel.. restless.
I want what every other human wants – to be seen and thought of and cared for in an advance type of way. I want to fall back into safety and security and intimacy. I want to be able to rest and kind sink in Love like when you sink into a beanbag chair. I feel like an autistic child with no blanket. Everybody sees what I’m able to do like talk, walk, cook, etc. but some times I feel like an Enfant whose been left in the middle of the floor. I can’t stand because there’s nothing to hold onto. I keep rolling over but the nothingness seems endless.
Whatever. It’s better to leave the words here than let them overoccupy my mind.