Personal

Good Grief

I’ve spent the past three years avoiding sexual temptation, or at least trying. I don’t see or speak to the opposite sex after 10 PM. I don’t go into, nor do I bring anyone into my bedroom. I have learned how to say ‘no’ and not be hurt when the individual walks away from me. What I have not learned however is how to guard my heart.

He said all the right words. He danced into my heart and for a moment it seemed like God was up to something good. For a moment, it seemed like my finally had come. For a moment, I felt brace and vulnerable, but I was excited about it. He felt so promising. He seemed so genuine. He was so smooth that he had me creating new ways to give him whatever he asked for – he didn’t ask for much, thankfully. What he did ask for, through persistence, the promise of marriage and beautifully decorated lies, was my body. He found his way into my heart and my body followed. I gave up three years of what I considered “saving myself” for one night with him.

Guess what… He immediately changed. (Pretend to be surprised if you’re not) The sweet texts stopped. The video calls ceased. When I call him, I get the voicemail. He’s become ghost. He blames it on grief. See his late father’s birthday is in a few days and on top of that, his friend’s mom passed last week. He said the grief was getting to him and that he needs time. I can understand the grief part. What I don’t understand is the timing. Both his father and his friend’s mom were dead before he laid with me. How convenient for grief to suddenly sit in just hours after we had sex…

He knew my insecurities, in fact he read me like a book. He knew what to say and how to say it. He knew just how much to show me and what would draw me in. I didn’t have sex with him because I was horny and wanted it. I did it out of pressure and the feeling that if I didn’t, I would lose him. You’d think I know better by now. I’m constantly encouraging young women to understand their value, yet I sold myself short. I gave myself away, physically and emotionally. No matter how many times I repent, I can’t undo what happened or erase the effects.

I hate that I gave in to Him.

I hate that he ran game on me.

I hate that he’s not God’s best for me.

I hate that this means the wait continues.

I hate that I was used.

I hate that he was so smooth.

I hate that something in me attracted him.

I hate that I’m changed and he’s just, him.

It seems so unfair. I read and hear about it way too often. Men love sex, but can’t be bothered to Love the one they get it from. I don’t know one man on Earth that genuinely loves women and appreciates them for who they are and what they do. I know plenty guys who lust after and use women. I know plenty who control and disrespect women. I know plenty women who don’t carry themselves with value and modesty. Who’s right? Who’s wrong?

Is he grief stricken? Or am I just his latest victim? Does he truly need space, or is this his gentle way of letting me down?

Does this mean I’m not healed, after all? Will I ever heal? How can I expect to heal here? Everything around me is broken. I look at my mom & dad who have been married for 35 years. It’s a great thing to celebrate and it looks great on paper, but my mom has taken all kinds of Hell from my dad over those 35 years. Is it that in order to have a man, we must accept whatever mistreatment they throw our way? What else is a young, single woman in America to do?

They teach us to be wives from the time we come out the womb. All little girl toys are centered around being a mom or home maker. Little boys have trucks and toy guns. We teach girls to be marriage driven and boys to be rebellious and independent. When did the home unit get to be so discombobulated?

The guy I’m writing about came from a mom and Dad who have a great marriage as far as I know. I’ve admired his dad so long. I gave him a chance based on the fact that I admire his father. The truth is though, his father is dead. What I had in his father is dead. The mentor I knew in his father, is dead. The guy’s actions almost tainted his father’s memory in my heart but I refuse to let it happen. I learned a lot from Bishop while he was on earth and I’m still learning.

It’s good to protect my body, but even more important that I guard my heart.

Lesson learned. I wish my heart didn’t ache.

I am Eryka

2 thoughts on “Good Grief”

  1. I hope that the ache you feel begins to heal. Part of that may be from forgiving yourself and forgiving him. Maybe what would help is if you pray to God for him to reveal your heart to you. In this way, you will see the good in it that has to be guarded, the root of some things that has to be addressed, and what ever else he shows you that needs healing. It may help you to learn what specifically to guard your precious heart form and how to do it. I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope I’m not over stepping. You will get through this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wish I knew how to let go. I wish I could move on. I wish I could turn feelings off. Emotions just happen. I thought I had come so far but I’m clearly just as broken as ever. I thought I was ready; better. But I’m.. just not.

      Like

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