My birthday is in 3 days. On Wednesday, August 30th, I will officially be 29 years of age. I’m definitely grateful. Just a few months ago, I attended the home going for a 22 year old. Weeks before he passed, a teen affiliated with our church passed. It just happens. We’re all breathing until that moment we’re not.
Like death, Birth is also attached to a moment. I can expect a joyful phone call at 8:26 AM on Wednesday from my mother who will remind me of the moment we met. Everything is attached to a single moment.
The crazy is; none of us know exactly when anything is going to happen. My best friend and my mom asked me what I want for gifts. There is a lot of stuff on the Wish-List of my heart, but in a moment, it stopped mattering.
It stopped mattering when what looked like the manifestation of a promise was snatched from my grip before I could rest my hand on it. Stuff doesn’t compare to what I have been desiring for majority of my life. I am a wife. I belong in a marriage with my husband. What’s this got to do with my birthday?
Well, God called me away from a marriage on my birthday. It was broken and disgusting and needed to end, but it was mine. My dream. And it shattered as I moved back home, divorced, eventually changed my name back and was once again a single woman. I’ve learned a lot about myself, my purpose and God during singleness, and I’m grateful. I’m not rushing anything, I’m simply making a point. I desired marriage. I got it, then it was gone, and the day that I celebrate the moment I entered Earth was at the center of it.
Instead of stuff for birthday gifts, I prayed for Love every year since.
I’ve loved before according to what I knew Love to be. I joined church years before I had a real encounter with Jesus and even after that, Love was still incomplete and misguided within me. I read the scriptures and attached all these verbs and adjectives to what Love is and who Jesus is, but… I still missed it.
I thought Love was what men and women share in marriage. I thought Love was what caused mothers to selflessly care for their children or how committed athletes are to their craft. Love isn’t any of that. Love isn’t a treatment or a procedure; Love is a Posture; a state of being.
God is Love.
Love is God’s Image.
God made me in His Likeness & Image.
That means, I AM LOVE.
I am where it begins, for me. See, Jesus sits on the throne of my heart. Perfect Love sits on the throne of my heart. Perfect Love is already within me. It’s not to be learned or figured out… it’s not to be acquired or received from another source. I simply am Love. It is my essence as a child of God. So my desire for Love all these years has been completely wrong. Yes, my desire was wrong.
How can I desire what I already am? This is why I haven’t “found it.” Where am I expecting to get it from? Lol! I can laugh, now, but the past few weeks have been painful for me. Again, it seemed that I had found it, but it was yanked away; actually I sabotaged it, but that’s another post. The point is, the relationship I’ve been wanting showed up, then quickly ended leaving me with a huge void. A good void, for once. Finally, I saw myself, for real. All of myself! I saw my sabotaging ability. I saw my emotions overrule my self control. I saw it all. To God be the Glory, because I’ve been traveling through a very swift growth process of sorts ever since. I feel as though I have been lagging behind and now that I have finally surrendered completely, and correctly, God is quickly bringing me up to speed.
He is correcting and perfecting His identity within Me. God is Love. Eryka is of God. Eryka is Love. I was expecting some great relationship to prove Love to me. I’ve been setting my parents up for failure half my life by holding them responsible for providing this Love I thought I was lacking. People can care for other people. People can show patience toward other people. People can encourage and uplift other people, but people absolutely cannot create Love within other people. When we say “I Love You”, we are basically saying, “I am Love, and I extend myself to you.”
Yes, 1 Corinthians 13 has it all the way right, but Love functions as a being – not a thing; not imaginary; but a literal being. Love moves and acts with certain characteristics which make Love complete all by itself and because I am Love, I am complete all by myself. The desire for marriage is completely righteous in God’s sight, and I believe He is going to honor it, but marriage will never be able to complete me or any other individual. Marriage is not Love; God is. God didn’t make me in the image of marriage, but of himself, therefore in or out of the presence of a spouse, lover, partner, etc. – I am complete Love all by myself.
MARRIAGE is not for the faint at heart. It is definitely not for the incomplete. Take it from someone who married while void. It’s no fun. I constantly expected from my spouse what I had not realized I already was. He wasn’t God’s best for me, and I wasn’t God’s beat for Him, at that time. Lesson learned. Whole people are blessed with marriage. Marriage is a union of two completely whole individuals who are already enough on their own.
When my husband and I unite, it will be Love + Love. I will show up complete. I will be ready, because now I know who I really am.
I am LOVE.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV