Blogging is so incredible, but it’s also extremely vulnerable. What should I say? Should there be a boundary? What’s too much to share? Are there limits? Nope.
Here goes it.
I’ve been trying really hard to suppress it. I’ve tried singing it away. I’ve changed my nail polish, posted and listened to uplifting videos, got all dressed up… and I’m still not feeling it. I’ve been fighting for every moment of today holding on to each happening and embracing what I have realizing that at any moment it can be taken away. I’ve been fighting for my own gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for. Why isn’t that enough to “perk” my heart up? Why isn’t it enough to calm the storm of my anxious heart?
I sat in silence and just called out to Jesus this afternoon. No other words. Just, “Jesus.” My hunger exceeds my reach. I want and need more of Him than I can seem to find. It’s never enough. I’m never satisfied. I need more of Jesus.
Is it a matter of discontentment? Am I discontent? Or simply hungry for more? Is my capacity maxed out, or is this an opportunity to execute a new growth strategy? I struggle to pick a side. Which side am I standing on? Am I wishing that there was more and in return missing what there is? Or could it be that I exhausted this current level and it’s simply time for elevation.
Elevation requires separation. My prayer has been for newness. Newness sometimes, no always requires old things passing away. Newness and oldness can’t exist together. I feel as though I’ve been stretched, but also maximized. I believe that each realm of life has its own assignments, lessons & situations. There’s a time under heaven for everything.
That said… here I am. Year 28 has come and gone. 29 has walked in and carries an agenda of its own. There’s no room in 29’s cabinet for 28’s baggage. This means, loose ends must be tied and separation must happen. Now.
It’s not that I’m not enjoying my birthday – I’ve had a lovely day. I’m simply realizing that there’s more to be done and it’s okay to feel like I’m “over” this current state. It wasn’t intended to last always.
I am Eryka.