Personal

Something’s wrong with me

I am terrified of the things I want most. I can support others and help them get there, but the thought of it happening to me is so foreign that it’s almost paralyzing.

I want to experience pregnancy. I yearn to be married. Why is it that I cannot see it happening to me? I know I deserve it. I’ve waited. I’ve restrained as best as possible. Sure it’s going to come, right?

But can I handle it? If the one proposed right now, would I say ‘Yes’? If the pregnancy test read, positive, what would I do?

Surely I’m old enough.

Surely I’m equipped.

I’d be a great wife and phenomenal mother.

I just know it!

But… the thoughts roll in & I’m afraid to truly believe in my own dream. It’s too disappointing to love, then live without. I’ve had pregnancy scares before. I’ve been told all sorts of scary things about my reproductive system and who knows if it does or doesn’t work… (that’s another post). My point is — Wives aren’t single. Mothers aren’t barren. Sure, I want to be the Wonder Woman of Marriage & Motherhood, but as of now… I’m single and not sure if my uterus can carry life.

None of that moves the desire. None of that stops me from hoping and wishing. No matter how many months, sometimes years pass where I have no cycle, no sex, and no man, I still want.

Wanting, but not able to see.

I want to see.

Mom & I

I am Eryka.

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