Personal

Disappointment, or Destiny?

Sometimes I make plans… okay, a lot of times, I have a plan or hope of my own. I don’t always consult God. Some of those plans are based on things God has revealed to me, but most times my plans come from my ideas.

I’m learning to truly believe that God’s ways are higher than my own. I mean I quote the scripture and speak it often, but in my heart of hearts there still are so many plans proving that I clearly trust my own ways. No more. I’m done believing in my own plans. They don’t work. They may work for awhile, but eventually they crash, burn and spiral out of control!

So today, I got my period! Yay! I’ve dealt with irregular cycles and hormone issues for 15 years. My last cycle was over a year ago, so when I say “Yay”, believe that it’s genuine! I am always grateful to see my cycle because I often have these tantrums where I go into self-hate mode and attack my body for not having regular female tendencies. All of this to say, I am excited that my body is doing what it’s doing. Recently, since April 2017, I’ve dropped 25 pounds. While I still have a goal to reach, it’s exciting to have lost 25 pounds by myself, with only God’s help. What’s even better is the shift in my hormones which led to my cycle. It’s a sign of growth and of healing.

See, doctors have told me for years that my weight was the issue with my hormones. They tried treating it and I’ve tried all sorts of diets to improve it, but to no avail. I’m not sure what moment caused the shift, but one day I just started going for walks. Before I knew it, I found myself making vegetable and fruit smoothies daily. I stopped snacking all night. I spend way less time in drive thru lines. It just happened. I didn’t try.

I did try to build a relationship recently. Even tried having sex as a way to keep him. At some point my mind even entertained the thought of pregnancy. How awesome would that be, right? Then I wake up to my cycle. Lol. Disappointment? Eh… I would love to be pregnant. I know I’ve got what it takes to be a great mommy, but I am a baby mama. Truth is, the person I had sex with turned out to be unfit for my destiny so having his kid wouldn’t be a great idea anyway. I think it’s great that God chose this season to send my cycle. My thoughts were in the gutter somewhere – not because they were dirty, but they are just lowly. What I imagine and conceive in my head is nothing compared to what the King of King thinks. His thoughts are elevated somewhere beyond Heaven.

I could view my cycle as disappointment. I could give in to thoughts that I’ll never be a mom or or that I’ll be single forever based on this one moment. I could cave and refuse to dream again… or I can embrace Destiny. The fact is, God has something different for me. It’s not limited to a marriage or motherhood. Whatever God is doing in me is so big that even what’s big to me becomes small.

I want to be more committed to Destiny! I want to be focused on God and not Eryka. I want to think like He thinks, but I’m not Him. I don’t know it all.

I do know this:

– I can live a healthy life.

– I will live & not die in spite of depression & anxiety.

– God chose me and set me apart but also placed me here to be a part of a purpose.

– I may not be married or pregnant today, but I’m also not dead. There’s still time.

God will only do what I allow Him to. It’s time that I step back, stop living in la la land and get back to His business.

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