Personal

Why do I even try?

I am tired of hurting. I am tired of covering and bandaging my own wounds. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of learning the hard way.

It’s been two weeks since the new guy started acting funny. He swears nothing has changed but he doesn’t contact me anymore. He avoids interacting with me when he sees me. I don’t understand.

What did I do?

Why do I care seeing as he doesn’t?

What changed?

When did it change?

Was it something I said?

Should I just give up? Time answered this one. After days of being ignored, I took the hint and stopped trying… until today. I texted, then called although the text was unanswered. He answered on the second ring, like he always does. His tone toward me is so bland, so cold. When did it change? Why did it change?

Why does this keep happening to me? Year after year. Age after age. Stage after stage. Still, my heart is so easily broken.

And my ex husband thought it a good idea to FaceTime me. I’ve blocked him so many times, but he still pops up. Why?

He literally tried to kill me. He slept around on me. He kicked me in my stomach and pushed me out of a moving car. What could he possibly have to say to me? After all this time… is he finally sorry? That’s not my problem. I don’t want his apology. I want every night I cried and prayed and couldn’t sleep back. I want my confidence back. I want my hope back. I want to go back to the day when I didn’t know how it felt to be abused and abandoned.

I want my life back. I want my heart back. I was 7 or 8 when my heart was first crushed by a guy. He said he was my boyfriend but at school he made fun of me on the playground and abandoned me. Next was the rape at 8 years old. After that, I didn’t have much to do with the opposite sex until a 17 year old convinced 13 year old me to be his sex doll. He came over once a month. I just laid there and let him do whatever he did. I don’t remember feeling anything. I closed my legs but my heart still wandered around looking for someone to own it. No one ever showed up to claim it. At 16, I got baptized but nothing changed. I still wanted a boyfriend. That finally happened at 17; had sex with him and we were broken up within 3 months. A year later, I dated a guy I knew from high school. He wooed me and pulled out all the stops. Wined and Dined me as best as a 18 year old could before abandoning me for his new boyfriend just 3 months later. Random guys filled the years between 18 and 21. No boyfriends. No commitment. Just friends. I gave myself over to casual sex whenever someone decided they wanted me because having someone some times was better than never… so I thought. I met the ex husband at 21 and I practically begged him to date me. I didn’t verbally beg, but I kept being where I knew he was until he asked me out.

I suppose I’ve always been that desperate girl who wants to be chosen – At 29, I’m still dreaming of a prom date that’s never coming and a college sweetheart that I never met because I dropped out.

I feel… wobbly. I feel like my heart keeps wanting what’s obviously never coming my way. WHY DO I WANT IT SO BAD???

Is it because Mama and Daddy have been married 35 years? Is it because I’m almost 30 and it would be nice to have a family of my own? Am I discontent with myself and looking for someone else to validate me? Am I broken? Is it loneliness? What is it?!

Furthermore, why hasn’t it gotten better? Of all the fasts and prayers – which one is going to actually work?

I’m so… broken. I literally feel shattered. My heart wants to leap out of my body and run away. I keep taking deep breaths hoping to exhale some of what I’m feeling but it’s just sitting on top of my heart weighing 1000 tons and keeping me stuck. Why are broken hearts so heavy?

Why are so many questions left unanswered?

Why do guys play with girls’ hearts?

Why do girls allow guys to manipulate them?

Why do guys and girls use each other?

I hate this.

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