Have You Ever

Have you ever loved somebody so much it made you cry? Have you ever needed something so bad you can’t sleep at night? Have you ever tried to find the words but they don’t come out right? Have you ever…? •Brandy Norwood

One of my favorite R&B songs EVER is ‘Have You Ever’ by Brandy. I had to be no more than ten or eleven years old when the song came out, but I remember it being so true to how I felt. I remember my first crush, and the second and every one following. Honestly I wonder if I ever got over that first rejection. I was an adult when I experienced a breakup, but I’ve known rejection in every possible form imaginable since I can remember.

It seems I was always loving something or someone that was withheld or kept from me. I could always see it, so obviously it’s within reach, yet it’s never in my grasp. What’s really going on?

Is the Lord ever late? I doubt it. After-all, He’s an “on time God” right? So the rejection must be reassignment and the wait has to be apart of His work. Gotta be! At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

(Sidenote: While writing, I was distracted and ended up cleaning the kitchen in the middle of my thought. There’s always something to be done.)

Then I’m reminded: it’s not my job to do everything all the time. Some times I can do nothing and I’ve done enough. My friend’s grandmother passed. I can’t do anything, but that’s exactly what she needs. Bills keep flowing inward, but I can’t do anything more than I’m able to do, and I don’t ever worry how something will be paid – it just is. I’m not everything. God is. So back to this rejection/singleness rant… because I am not everybody’s everything, it makes sense that certain guys have passed on the opportunity to get to know a lady such as myself. I’m not for them.

Sure, the prestigious, nationally known high school I attended asked me to withdraw after my sophomore year, but I went to another amazing school where my GPA was consistently above 4.0. (Thank God for Honors & AP courses) Rejection is only as real as I allow it to be. What’s too much in one place, is just right in another. What’s not good enough for one entity blows the mind of another.

It’s all about alignment. When I am where I belong doing what I am purposed to do, things flow. Nothings lacking really. A man isn’t needed in my life. There’s no shortage of children around me. So what if I didn’t personally carry them. I also don’t have to personally finance them. It’s all about perspective.

I’m ready to revive my garden. I’m talking new plants, stronger seeds and intentional attention to what needs me most: Me! I need me more than any other cause in my life. I need me to be sane and healthy and whole so that I can serve and love myself fully.

The purpose of is to document my discovery of myself and to explore all the ways I can love me better. It’s time to believe in me more. It’s time to love me more. Finally, I see that my connection to Have You Ever is much deeper than a crush or unrequited love. The lyrics of that song explain my own yearning for my own self. I want to be loved and embraced fully by me. I don’t care who comes along and compliments me. I want to like me, really like me.

So it continues. I am still striving for higher heights but my focus is no longer on what’s below me. My sights are set on things above. To God be the Glory!

I am Eryka

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