If I’m honest, when I need to speak up, I don’t. When I feel the weakest, I hide. When I need companionship, I pull away. When I desperately need to be heard, I go silent.
Anxiety is real. Depression is way too comfortable. But Loneliness… the loneliness is crippling. Easily soothed by calling a friend or visiting a loved one, still loneliness seems so much bigger than me at times. People don’t really care anyway, do they? The therapists listens, but that’s what she’s paid to do.
Here’s a thought, who listens when I’m all alone with my thoughts and emotions?
Who listens to the screams that go off in my head but refuse to escape my lips?
Who hears the sobbing little girl within me when she cries for help and begs to understand?
Who sees me trying to pick up the pieces of myself after life has left me shattered?
This is usually the part in the blog post where I point out how faithful and deliberate God is, but not today. God is and always has been the exact same. He is absolute and all knowing. That won’t ever change. What does change, however, are the emotions and waves that come along with life’s many seasons. Soon as I get used to Joy, hurt seeps in and breeds resentment which leads to depression and anger. It’s a spiral that doesn’t seem to have an end. God is here. I believe God is as powerful in my loneliness as He is in my worship, but I can’t pretend to always feel his presence because I don’t.
On days like today, my heart remembers how broken it is, my mind recalls every bad situation and my pride has been smashed in by disappointment and rejection. I see rain falling, so obviously God is at work. I have breath, so clearly He hasn’t left me…
Yet, here I am suffering silently. If i speak up, will the words even come out right? Or will I just sound selfish and bratty?
I guess we won’t find out today. For now, I choose to remain silent.
I am Eryka